Friday, November 18, 2011

walking through

The steady absence of new writing in Lustrous Lives has kept me thinking over the past few weeks. Failing to mark out the exact reason has been disturbing too. Because I prefer all things neatly laid out on the table - be it the cutlery, or, ideas. But as you may have guessed, it never happens that way. In fact, as a student, my study table got a clean up once every six months only. My mother was exasperated. And I had a confident reply to her agonising pleas of tidying up: "People who truly study, have no time to tidy up." (usually followed by a big smile) The ways of the world didn't change but the circumstances I were in, did. Once the onus of family responsibility launched, the cleanliness freak checked-in in me. Now, I was at the receiving end of the trick "no time to tidy up". I freaked out. I took oaths that I wouldn't care to tidy up. I freaked out. Took oaths. Freaked out. And .... the swing continued.

With the new life here in Ha Noi, the swinging between the extremes have been nauseating. It is not at all fun! And so I planned to kick myself out of the pendulum of to-clean and not-to-clean. I need to jump of to something addictive, I thought. Something that would be too engrossing for me to have the time to suffer the swinging. I did. I took to watching television. I watched how the horrible persons strived to stay in Hell's Kitchen because they were great cooks. I watched three films in a row and slept till late evening. I fell of learning to ride a bicycle (yeah! at 28, am trying to learn how to ride a bicycle!!). - Well, this was the only exciting part to the entire thing I guess, but that's another story, for another time.

So, I was getting sucked into an addiction while trying to kick off another addictive habit. It was not good at all. Writing was taking a back-seat and so was living a healthy and happy life. It had never occured to me that turning off one switch and turning on another can be so tough. Sitting there in front of the television, the obsessive thoughts about cleaning were nowhere in my cerebral horizon. But, that was the only good news. I sat there, sometimes not even noticing what was happening on television. But I couldn't get up. I couldn't switch it off. The bruised knee from the fall didn't help either. But I also knew, it was not about the painful knee. I was afraid what I would do once I kick off the habit of watching television.

The feeling that you have too much time at your disposal can be harmful more than being productive. Keeping oneself busy is the motto in such circumstances. But, once in a while, one can make a wrong choice too. As I did. The freak-out-and-don't-care pendulum for cleaning, the addiction of watching television - these were the wrong choices that I was making to keep myself busy. I was waiting for one door to close and for another to open. I was waiting for the old habits to die and, the new habits to be born.

But I forgot about the twilight - the zone where there is light and darkness simultaneously. A zone where one has not yet died and the other is already being born. Once, while listening to my life plans, my father had made an observation - You can not always wait for one chapter to end, to begin another one. I thought he was talking about multi-tasking. I know, now, he was telling me about the twilight zones that fill our lives.

Lustrous Lives is passing through that twilight zone. Regular postings are not happening. But, I hope you will be there when it comes out of this phase of twilight.

Thank you for being with me all this while.

Love to you ...